notes from the afterglow
I’m coming back from vacation with new wings.
after sitting in this sun and sea for the past week, with no obligations nor responsibilities, I feel viscerally different.
the opening lines of the Defying Gravity are floating between my subconscious:
something has changed within me, something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game. too late for second-guessing, too late to fall back to sleep. it’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap.
~~~
it’s been the strangest adjustment coming back to NYC. like, do I fit here?
because as much as I love the creative scene here, as much as I revere the beauty of Central Park…
the thing I have always wanted is a house by the beach.
somewhere I can swim with mama ocean on the daily and have an artists studio and a luscious space for guests and a beautiful garden where my husband and children can play. somewhere we can make music and put on shows and prioritize spaciousness for CREATION and BEING in love.
~~~
after this vacation, I’m realizing I need so much LESS [clothes, shoes, bs instagram products] and so much MORE [sunshine swims, fresh fruit off the tree, long lunches with friends, epic nature hikes, tea and pastries and champagne].
this realization is exposing my relationship to responsibility and it feels electric.
~~~
because: yes I have these desires that have been with me for years and years and years. and I had the most delicious sampling of them this past week in the French Riviera.
I am so lucky because the vision board really does keep coming to life. the Universe continues to expand my perception around what’s possible for me.
AND YET, when I sit down to take on the BIG work of my life.. I freeze.
~~~
I have opportunities in my lap that are worth $15-20k/MONTH… which is the kind of money I’d like to be making to afford my dreamy beach life… and I can’t seem to take the steps to get the project across the finish line.
I’m 80-90% of the way there on multiple projects and I just haven’t been able to finish.
I will stare at my computer and read the to-do list and then eject out of my body and start playing video games or scrolling IG or distracting myself with parts of the work that are not actually moving the needle.
~~~
returning to responsibility terrifies me.
since age 7 (and maybe younger), I experienced responsibility as something that burned me out. that made me sick. that was too much for my body, mind, spirit to handle.
I’ve done a lot of work these past 6+ years to physically heal my body and nervous system. I’ve taken massive steps in releasing responsibility that was never mine to carry.
so now I’m navigating: how do I teach myself I can hold the things that ARE mine to steward without burning out — especially when the things that are mine to steward feel really really big?
I know this perceived self-sabotage is actually a protective mechanism. but knowing it’s protection is just one layer.
~~~
how do I move beyond protection and into action?
because everything I’ve ever wanted is right on the other side.
I can taste the salt from here.
Gemini → Cancer Season
HEAD 2 HEART, LOVERS
hellllo beauties! Happy Summer Solstice. It’s been a wild and wonderful few weeks in NYC. Between Mayor Mamdani’s election, the Knicks championship, Pride, the World Cup.. it feels like the whole city is OUTSIDE in the best way. And today, we are at peak Sun and Summer energy. From here till the Winter Solstice, things are beginning to slowly, gently wind down. As the the Sun moves from Airy Gemini into Watery Cancer, it’s light transforms from bright pinpoints to dissipated glow.
Cancer is the sign of capital f Feelings, big and small.
It’s a sign of home, of boundaries, of Mothers. Represented by the Crab, Cancers are known for their tough exteriors and soft interiors. Cancer Suns sometimes get a bad rap as being the “crybaby” of the Zodiac, but most Cancer Suns I know will pinch you with their sharp wit before letting you see them crack in public. They might be tenderhearted, but they’re only gonna show their soft underbellies to those who have earned that trust. Honestly, as a Cancer Moon, I am wayyy more of a sap than any of my Cancer Sun pals. And while we’re here, let me just say — normalize crying!! More people should be crying, tbh. It’s a healthy bodily function! No shame in allowing your body to process something difficult with tears.
Normalize Crying collage by yours truly
Don’t mistake Cancer’s protectiveness for stoniness, though. Cancer is a Water sign ruled by the Moon, the planet of intuition. They are deeply empathetic, intuitive, and sensitive. Whether they’re going to reveal their empathy, intuition, and sensitivity to you..? TBD.
One of my favorite things about Cancer is that it’s a Cardinal sign. Cardinal signs are the initiators of the Zodiac, always ushering in a new season.
The cycle goes like this: Cardinal Sign → Fixed Sign → Mutable Sign, repeat.
Cardinal Cancer says, Feel your feels and then DO SOMETHING NEW. Make a change!
Because yes, our feelings are information and they are fuel.
The anger that you’ve been shoving down? That’s actually energy to leave your dead-end relationship. The joy you’re afraid to feel? That’s fuel for your creative projects. The grief you’ve been avoiding? That’s your catalyst for more love.
And look, I know it sounds cheesy. I know it sounds cliche. But as Cancer Moon and self-proclaimed sap, I know what it’s like to be depressed, to hate myself, to think that nothing was ever going to change. I lived many many years with a concrete heart because I was a “too sensitive” kid who didn’t have the teachers I needed growing up.
As a young adult, I distracted distracted distracted myself with friends and parties and making out, and guess what? Those dark feelings never went away until I was forced into a set of circumstances that completely isolated me from my distractions — where I truly had nothing but time by myself. Then I started to peel back the layers and understand what these feelings were trying to show me.
So let me shout it from the rooftops: your feelings are here for a reason. Pay attention. Not every emotion requires deep reflection, but Cancer season is here to remind us, Now is the time to work with your body to process to your feelings.
The message I keep hearing over and over as I marinate on these shifts from Gemini to Cancer is, Head to Heart. Head to Heart. Head to Heart.
For many, this is going be a really uncomfortable transition because the heart is a tender and sensitive place. If you’ve been shoving your feelings down, if you’ve numbed yourself out because it got to be too much… Cancer season is going to bring it all to the surface. Why? So those old emotions can finally be resolved and you can operate from a place of peace.
This month is about allowing the grief, the anger, the heartache to be felt, rather than intellectualized.
Because at the end of the day, that’s really what Cancer season is all about: nurturing, mothering, taking care, feeling safe and at home in your body. It’s really freaking hard to feel safe and at home in your body when you’re living with unprocessed trauma, when your nervous system is stuck in chronic fight-or-flight, when you’re overwhelmed by the horrors both macro and micro.
As a Cancer Moon and #sensitivebabe, I’ve spent years, literally, building my toolbox of practices that help me feel and resolve emotions stuck in the body. Having a working nervous system is the only way my life works.
Resources to support you and your Cancer-season crashouts:
Insight Timer meditations: I like this app because it’s freeeee99 and has a TON of different meditations. If you go to Teachers tab in the bottom right-hand corner → Live events, you can join in soundbath, tarot pulls, Q+As, workshops and so much more live. I love this free way to connect with people when I need a quick injection of grounding support.
INSPIRED RISK 004 w/ELENA KUNKEL: towards the end of our convo, Elena and I go through a short and sweet exercise to process difficult emotions. Listen where ever you like your podcasts or hang out with us on YouTube. For this exercise, I recommend starting the episode around 50:43.
1-1 Astrology or Tarot Reading with yours truly: there’s nothing like deep, personal care from someone who’s intimately familiar with the challenges you’re facing right now. I know what it’s like to feel helpless / lost / drowning in giant emotional waves. My astrology and tarot readings are an opportunity to be PRESENT with whatever difficulties you’re facing so that we can digest the medicine of the moment and then move tf on to the goodness and juiciness of life.
let me know how this lands for you. ilysssssssm. muah!!
real gay sh*t
or: a reflection on Pride in my life
happy Pride month, my fellow gaybies. My queerness is special, important, sacred to me — but sometimes I forget that yall don’t know me like that . So let me let you in ~~
I’ve known I was queer since I was young. I remember having a crush on Jasmine from Aladdin, on Kiera Knightley in Bend It Like Beckham, on girls at school. But growing up in Texas in a strict Christian household where I already felt othered and ostracized, it never occurred to me to share my feelings with anyone. The message I heard over and over again was that that being gay was a sin and that sinners went to hell. I figured God hated me and I was destined for hell. Cool cool cool cool cool.
Luckily (??) for me, I liked boys, too, so I did what many young queers do: I pretended.
I put on a mask and internalized my shame and let my self-hatred fester and rot. I was lonely and often depressed (Cancer Moon, hello) to the point of self-harm and suicidal ideation. It’s weird to look back on that time in my life now. Part of me recognizes the fact that I am simply a theater kid at heart and will always have a flare for the dramatic; the other part of me feels compassion for confused teenage Liz, who had such big feelings and no idea how to manage them. At the time, I didn’t feel I had anyone in my real life that I could talk to about what was going on. So in the heyday of xanga, tumblr, neopets… I looked for community and romance in chatrooms full a/s/l.
flashbacks for anyone else??
I was a fairly decent online sleuth, but my mom caught me trying to date women so many times. I created an online dating profile on eharmony when I was like 15, username LesbianLizzy, which she found. I would scour the w4w threads on craigslist and then delete my browser history, but sometimes she caught me mid-scroll. My mom and I have a good relationship now, but when I was growing up, she was panicked and afraid. We had zero boundaries in our house. She would read my text messages without me knowing and then confront me about things I said. She would barge into my bedroom, into the bathroom, into a private conversation without knocking in order to catch me doing something wrong. I had no privacy, which made having this secret identity so much more terrifying. It was a constant race between her digging and my hiding.
Deceit became an olympic sport.
At some point, I realized my mom could tell I was lying because I would swallow right before I said something untrue. So I got skilled at holding that swallow. I realized that if I kept my inflection flat and refused to swallow, she would believe what I said. Even when I was caught red-handed, I denied and lied — and she refused to believe, anyways — so I carried my secret shame well into adulthood.
who would have guessed the girl in this photo was deeply depressed??
It wasn’t until I moved to Vietnam that I started exploring the bounds of my queerness.
I finally felt I was far enough from home to safely be myself.
Ooof, what a sentence. I finally felt I was far enough from home to safely be myself. It’s sad, phrased like that, but also true. Physical distance, emotional distance can be a protective shield in tender times of transition. A change in environment can dramatically shift what we think is possible for ourselves. I’m so grateful for the fun loving queer community I found in Saigon. The drag shows, the makeovers, the dancing, the ACCEPTANCE healed yeeeeears of indoctrination. My then-boyfriend, now-husband has always been my ally. Love u, Matty.
Out for Pride Saigon 2019
After living Out for ~6 years, I posted something publicly on my IG during my first Pride back in the States. This was a pivotal day for me, as it’s also the first day I ever did breathwork !!! and felt my grandmas loving me from the other side. Owning my identity will always be closely intertwined with my spiritual growth. The more me I am, the more free I am. And that’s the foundation of my entire spiritual journey: becoming more and more freeeee.
My mom reached out to talk about the post, literally asking me what queer meant. I don’t remember how I described it exactly but we ended the conversation with her in somewhat denial and confusion again that I would choose to engage in this ~sinful lifestyle. I think she couldn’t get past the fact that I was married to man, but still identified as queer. shrug
We haven’t really talked about it since, but I feel okay. The people who know, know. And I’m not hiding anymore. I’m sharing my art and running my business and living my life in a way that feels really luscious and beautiful, with friends and loves all across the identity spectrum.
Life is actually, finally, really freaking good.
happy bb
I started this writing thinking I was going to write about how Pride falls in June because Gemini (curiosity, experimentation) x Cancer (feelings, love) is the coalescence of some real gay sh*t 😂. But this is what came out, instead. It doesn’t fit neatly into the box of entrepreneurship or astrology, but that’s okay. My queerness is all about shirking off the boxes and choosing to trust my heart instead. So that’s what I’m doin. Leading from the heart and trusting that I’m making an impact along the way.
love you sm. thanks for reading. MUAH.
♡