notes from the afterglow
I’m coming back from vacation with new wings.
after sitting in this sun and sea for the past week, with no obligations nor responsibilities, I feel viscerally different.
the opening lines of the Defying Gravity are floating between my subconscious:
something has changed within me, something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game. too late for second-guessing, too late to fall back to sleep. it’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap.
~~~
it’s been the strangest adjustment coming back to NYC. like, do I fit here?
because as much as I love the creative scene here, as much as I revere the beauty of Central Park…
the thing I have always wanted is a house by the beach.
somewhere I can swim with mama ocean on the daily and have an artists studio and a luscious space for guests and a beautiful garden where my husband and children can play. somewhere we can make music and put on shows and prioritize spaciousness for CREATION and BEING in love.
~~~
after this vacation, I’m realizing I need so much LESS [clothes, shoes, bs instagram products] and so much MORE [sunshine swims, fresh fruit off the tree, long lunches with friends, epic nature hikes, tea and pastries and champagne].
this realization is exposing my relationship to responsibility and it feels electric.
~~~
because: yes I have these desires that have been with me for years and years and years. and I had the most delicious sampling of them this past week in the French Riviera.
I am so lucky because the vision board really does keep coming to life. the Universe continues to expand my perception around what’s possible for me.
AND YET, when I sit down to take on the BIG work of my life.. I freeze.
~~~
I have opportunities in my lap that are worth $15-20k/MONTH… which is the kind of money I’d like to be making to afford my dreamy beach life… and I can’t seem to take the steps to get the project across the finish line.
I’m 80-90% of the way there on multiple projects and I just haven’t been able to finish.
I will stare at my computer and read the to-do list and then eject out of my body and start playing video games or scrolling IG or distracting myself with parts of the work that are not actually moving the needle.
~~~
returning to responsibility terrifies me.
since age 7 (and maybe younger), I experienced responsibility as something that burned me out. that made me sick. that was too much for my body, mind, spirit to handle.
I’ve done a lot of work these past 6+ years to physically heal my body and nervous system. I’ve taken massive steps in releasing responsibility that was never mine to carry.
so now I’m navigating: how do I teach myself I can hold the things that ARE mine to steward without burning out — especially when the things that are mine to steward feel really really big?
I know this perceived self-sabotage is actually a protective mechanism. but knowing it’s protection is just one layer.
~~~
how do I move beyond protection and into action?
because everything I’ve ever wanted is right on the other side.
I can taste the salt from here.
